Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Randomize
