Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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