Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
