Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
