Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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