Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So much rum. So many feels.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
