God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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