I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
not ubering you a puppy
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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