i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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