While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
