you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
