I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
