sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
