Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
