I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
