Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
