I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
