How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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