I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
