Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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