I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
