I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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