Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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