and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
