I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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