as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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