guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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