How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
