its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
