That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
