threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
