chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
