Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and she was petting her beer can
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
