The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
