you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
