Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
