..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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