I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
