Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
