I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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