They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
