Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
