Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
