i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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