The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
