we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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