Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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