You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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