btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
