He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize