dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
