I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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