It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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