Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
