I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ladies don't puke and tell
Don't tell me you're on acid again
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
