I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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