He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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