Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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