Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
