Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
the raccoons are back...
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